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loki

journeys...

I'm not big on change, and I hate the unknown. Always have, and I always will. But a static life, is a life not lived, and so even when at times I fight it, I still trudge (though usually with some resistance) onward. Motion is life... even if you are running around in circles like a chicken without its head.

In some ways, I just feel burned out and very very ready to move past my academic life and into what I consider to be a real life. I must admit at times, when I see friends who are married, starting families, with successful careers, and here I am, at age 25 still in school with debt, no career, no significant other in my life... to be a bit disheartening. (Believe it or not, I've never been on a date). But as Frost once said, "I took the road less travelled by, and that has made all the difference."

I've always had this uncanny wisdom before my time. I was horsing deity at a very young age... not a full blown horse, but I certainly became their vocal mouth to those in need. Beginning in 7th grade, people atarted coming to me out of the blue, dealing with sexual abuse, domestic abuse, suicide, and all the other problems and bumps in the road of life. It's not that I necessarily knew what to say, but when my wisdom failed me, I prayed, and the words, in a meter, and speech cadence far far different from mind, tripped flowing out of my mouth like a babbling brook.

I've always known more or less what I needed in a mate, in a partner, and I'm not about to settle for less. I don't have any impossible demands, or ungrounded concepts there. In many ways, it's been the same with friends. I can usually tell early on, usually that first impression the level of involvement and closeness/intimacy a person will have in my life. It is just an awareness, an inuition, a insight that I have always have, and listened too, and it has saved my life on more than one occassion.

I know there has been purpose in my journey to this point, there is always purpose even when we do not see it... and I can look back and see it, see the influence of the gods on my life, and the calling I've had there. I also more or less have at least a vague notion of where I'm going. This current phase of my life, is a very Frigga phase. It's about getting my house in order. Career, finances, spirituality... I'm the sort of stubborn, tenancious sort that wants to not only feel on equal ground with someone, but wants them to be there as well.

My thesis, is in and of itself, a juxtaposition, an apex of the swing from one chapter to the next. In a way, it is the culmination of me as student (for the time being, I may, several years from now, return for a PhD.) and also is the beginning of a professional life. Professional both in the since of my spirituality, cause that is a calling and a job as much as any other... as well as work that puts money on the table and I hopefully enjoy. (I hope I never have to endure a job, and feel forced into a job I hate and despise.)

Right now I've been juggling the old and the new... and it's taking a toll, and alot of stress on me. I just want to wash my hands of it [my thesis] all right now. But I'd regret it forever being THIS close to finishing, and quitting. Part of the problems I've had with this thesis, is I've never written anything this long, or in this sort of style before... part of the problem is also I am burnt out on academia at the moment... and its hard to get myself into a place of focus to finish up working on it. Doesn't help when Odin shanghai's an entire an unexpected chapter on you either.

So here I am, juggling the thesis, at the crux of a career, a job dangling just out of reach, and having to move from the freedom of indepedence, back home to my parents and their quirks.

My parents have been great, they've been rennovating the house slowly (it is over 15 years old and some things needed new paint, replacement, etc), and they took the effort to get my room painted, the carpet restretched and tacked down (it was rolly). I'm just going to miss the freedom, of being able to set my own hours without the parental censure of "you should go to bed" "you should get up" and my mother is REALLY bad about that, too. Frankly I don't see what the problem is so long as I don't shirk my responsibilities on when I sleep or am awake.

I just have to remind myself why I'm returning home. To save on rent and food costs so I can pay off my education loan debt all the faster. I hate owing money, and feeling that hang over my head. Hell I don't have a savings to speak of... no retirement plans in place.

I do however anticipate a great deal of re-adjustment on my parents part, and mine to each other... and I don't look forward to that re-negotiation of boundaries. My parents don't treat me as a child, but they don't treat me solely as an adult either... I detest conflict, I really detest conflict. I have no problem fighting a fight if I feel the need, but I hate it. Every moment of it. And I know there's gonna be quite a bit of me putting my foot down, but having to find a diplomatic way to do so. May Freya guide me in that. Especially since my ability to be patient has disappeared these last few years.

Bleh.

I just am sick and tired of all this suckiness, and crapola of bureacracy and thesis, and moving stress, and readjusting relations, and bleh, bleh, bleh.

I so wish I had the money for a vacation. I think I may just have to settle for a road trip to some friends who are in the state for a week or so.

Comments

I know it must be hard right now, but deffinitly stick with it. I'm the same age as you, and while I've got the whole family/home life going on, and wouldn't trade it for anything now, I do wish I had prepared more in my younger life by going to college, taking more time to discover who I am and what I wanted. Instead, I fumbled along in the years from seventeen to twenty and it's really only chance and luck that I ended up with Randy who's a great match for me. You're in the position to be able to do this at the time of your choosing, and then start your life with a firm foundation of education, knowledge, and wisdom which many women have not been able to do. I'm sure everything will work out great for you in the future. :-)
I know it's been the path right for me, but there are just times it sucks :P

Thigns will be much better once I get the thesis finished. MUCH, MUCH better.

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